Chin chin

Dear friends,

First of all sorry to be a bit of a drama queen, you all have your own burdens and mine are so much less than some of you suffer. I’m also acutely aware that I’m writing this whilst “a bit upset” so massive apologies for the inevitable self indulgence that is about to follow! 

I think I need to bail for a bit. Anything that makes me literally cry is most unusual. I never cry ffs! But here we are and I must heed this warning.

The problem is I do adore you all so. You are the first thing I check on in the morning,  the last at night. In all of my recent life you have been the pub in my pocket, the friends I could always turn to for a laugh, an affectionate bicker, some unexpected wisdom. I really do love you. You’ve been with me through grief and heartache. You are all wondeful, all of you. 

But I started this, all those years ago, with one rule for myself: that I would be honest. I’ve shared many deeply personal things with you, and been honoured to be trusted with many of your secrets in return. Moreover I have been honest about my political views, and somehow, until now, that’s been ok. We’ve navigated general elections, the Scottish referendum, Brexit and god knows what else, and stayed friends. 

This, however, seems different. Sadly, and with much reget,  I’ve stopped being a Corbyn supporter and in the course of just a few days I’ve felt more attacked, and alone, than ever before. I’m sure it’s partly my fault. I’ve probably butted in on conversations where I should have walked away, who knows. As it goes I can take a bit of crass, minor rudeness from strangers, that’s nothing.

What I can’t bear is feeling that I have no place anymore with my oldest friends on here, most of whom seem to be fervent Corbyn believers. Very few of you have said anything directly to me at all, no one I really love has been unkind. But there is a quietness, the beginnings of coldness. And since I seem unable to shut up, I’d rather slip away for a bit than fall out with you all. At this time in my life, with so much that is difficult troubling me, I’d rather remember the laughs than see it go sour.

So I will leave you all, my precious friends, in the wonderful, noisy pub that is twitter. I’m just popping outside for a bit. I’ve put some money behind the bar, have a round on me. Just try not to get pissed and tweet about it 🙂

Your devoted, persistent, irritating woman,

Claire. Xxx

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Standing still

Sometimes we all find ourselves in a strange and unexpected place in our lives. The world turns, a normal day becomes suddenly other. We look in the mirror and marvel that we somehow look the same. Perhaps someone dies, a terrifying diagnosis is given. Occasionally of course good news can bring this shift: a desired positive pregnancy test, an old loved friend reappears… But I seem to be on a roll of tedious earth shifting bad days. Indeed my life is becoming marked out by them, sinister cats’ eyes in the road that brought me here.

Here, without a job, with a court case due in two weeks to repossess my house. Just a few days ago the whole thing seemed resolved, the bank had conceded defeat and we were negotiating detail. Now jobless, no reference, no safety net, I see the future I expected slide away from me.

I am so very tired. Yes I know people are worse off than me. Yes I don’t  (hopefully ) have cancer. It will “probably be fine”. Yes I am lucky to have children to love.

I know I know I know it’s not Syria.

Just give me a moment. A moment to get my bearings.